Giving Up or Giving In?

For those of you who may not know me very well, I have a confession to make....for the last 5-6 years I have been trying (earnestly) to get my husband to have another child, wanting to try one last time for a girl...and every time he tells me "NO!". Every time I go into the conversation thinking maybe this time will be different, maybe this time he will finally give in after my persistence has paid off and feel that our family is incomplete as I have....and every time I get the same answer. You'd think I'd learn after all the "no's" and "I'm done" to just let it go, but there has been this thing deep down inside that has just longed for another one. Maybe it's the fact that I want that mother-daughter connection that I felt was missing to some degrees in my own childhood, maybe it's me seeing all my other pregnant friends (or friends in general) who have daughters and the special relationship between them, doing things that only mothers and daughters can do together, or maybe it's all the cute little girl clothes I see in the stores as I pass by the isle that all show me what I'm missing out on...whatever it is, I have prayed many times to God asking for a daughter, knowing and trying to convince myself that he would most certainly not withhold that desire from me, right? After all, I know  what's best for my family, or so I tell myself.


The last 2 weeks have been interesting as I have felt many times that I could be/get pregnant soon, had visions of a baby crawling around in our home and have been wondering and waiting could it finally be?!! This morning as I was praying, I almost felt a sense of disappointment, a loss of something that I have always wanted to be but the reality of it is it probably will never be. I sat in the bathroom facing this issue which seems like such an insignificant issue to most, considering there are bigger issues going on in the world, but to me, it felt as if I was giving up...letting go of a hope, a dream, a vision of my life and what it could be...what I wanted it to be. Then, as I was praying, I felt a little whisper in my spirit that said "Be Content!" Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but right then and there I realized maybe having another child right now, or even at all, may not be part of God's plan. Maybe I have been trying to make something happen that isn't suppose to happen. Maybe I just need to learn to be content with the family and people God has placed in my life, not always desiring something more or trying to convince myself that my life would be so much better if we did have another child.


How many times do we try and convince ourselves and our spouses that we absolutely need something else, literally telling ourselves and even coming up with exact reasoning's and logical explanations that if we had that thing, THEN we would be happy.

We say things like:
"If I had a better paying job, then I'd be happy."
"If I had a bigger house or new car, then I'd be happy."
"If my kids would just listen, then I'd be happy."
"If my spouse would pay more attention to me, show me more love and respect, then I'd be happy."
"If I finally lost this weight, then I'd be happy."
"If I could go on vacation and take a break from life, then I'd be happy."

We are always bombarded by other people's lifestyles. We secretly covet and want what they have, how things appear to be picture perfect, but not really seeing the trap that is. We don't see what really goes on behind the scenes. The strife those things have caused in a marriage, the financial burden it has put on a family, the debt they have gone into to get those things, or even the disappointment they felt once they got the very thing they wanted, and then realized it only made them feel happiness for a brief moment. There will always be the next thing the enemy throws in our face that we can chase, be it money, another child, an image to impress people with, a marriage that looks picture perfect or a number of other things. The enemy loves nothing more than to distract us with all these worldly things, making us think if we have the next thing our heart desires, then we will finally be happy...but that's a lie! The only thing that can ever truly satisfy us is a relationship with Jesus Christ and understanding we have everything we need in him and because of him!

We need to get to a point where we are content with the life we have here and now...not the life we want that we think will make us happy. We need to tell ourselves that even if we never lost all the weight, had another child, got the newer car, or has the biggest house, we are OK because we have a savior that died for us and in Him alone we are made complete!

Psalm 23 starts off with "The Lord IS my shepherd I shall not want (or be in lack)". From that one portion of scripture, we can conclude that if we allow God to do his part in our lives, letting him fill us, satisfy our deepest needs and desires and find our comfort and satisfaction in Him alone, instead of trying to convince ourselves why we need this or that, we will not want or be in lack for anything!

I don't know what that thing is that you have been chasing or convincing yourself that when/if you had it, then you would be happy, but I guarantee you it wouldn't make you any happier...at least not for very long. You would soon find yourself wanting something else and chasing after the next thing, and so the cycle continues....or so the insanity continues (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results). People and things can never satisfy us, they were never created to, and yet why do we continue to think that they will? Every person was created with a God-shaped hole in their heart, a desire and longing for something more...it's natural to want more, but we can only find that place of satisfaction in God alone. He's the one who gave us the hole, and he's the only one who can fill it!

Today I discovered something about myself.  Even if we never have another child, no matter if God ever did anything else for me again, if I never had the "American dream," I am OK. I am loved. I am wanted. I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I am forgiven. I have everything I need because of Jesus! I am married to one amazing guy, a mother to 2 great kids and am thankful for the life God has given me...I AM CONTENT! Am I letting go of a dream? Maybe so, but I know God's plans are better than mine, he will truly satisfy me, and I am reaching upward, toward the greater things God has in store for me!

Our Year In Review...

2012 has been a very productive year, a year that has indeed been a year of harvest as the Lord had spoken to me at the end of 2011, but also a year full of many changes, trials, growth, discomfort, surrendering, and we have had to do things I never thought we would have to do.

One year ago today on New Years Eve I felt the Lord telling me to submit myself to him and my husband, something I have really struggled with in the past. The last day of 2011 ended with me literally submitting myself to my husband and God, washing his feet, repenting of not letting him lead our family and letting go of the last little bit of control I had been hanging on to. Little did I know that In doing so, the Lord was going to ask me to submit myself to him and Wayne a lot during the coming year.

The very next week Wayne got laid off from work and I needed to submit myself, our family, finances and everything to the Lord and let Wayne lead us down a new path, trusting his vision for us and that he was hearing from the Lord, which would involve him starting his own business, trusting God to supply all our needs and to give Wayne an abundance of work.

The Lord provided in so many ways. He provided for us financially; proving his word to me that Wayne would go from having no work to so much work that he wouldn't know what to do, provided a trip back home to VA to give me closure and allow me to hug the necks of those whom I'd been missing, provided me with spiritual food to grow, new friends, tangible ways for me to see His love and has made me thankful for so many things in my life.

In 2012 I got to go to a women's retreat with women back home who are very dear to my heart, went on many hikes, went to Breckenridge with my family and soaked up every moment with them, took Josiah and Micah to the Broncos Training Camp, witnessed my children grow, mature, and change, Micah lost his first tooth, made a weekly tradition of pizza/movie night with my boys, witnessed Josiah spraining his ankle and seeing it healed, had many "aha" moments, many phone conversations with friends and family, had some disagreements and some people misunderstanding me, Wayne finally started Bible College, had the loss of some friendships and the beginning of new one's, received dreams, visions and words from the Lord, lots of refocusing and late night talks with my hubby about our dreams/vision for our life, finally found a church that feels like home, LOTS of playing and watching football, weekly trips to the library, experienced IKEA for the first time ;), had many warm summer nights grilling out and cold winter nights snuggling and drinking hot chocolate. Overall 2012 has been a good year! It has been a year full of many changes, many harvests (spiritually, financially and mentally). The year may not have started out like I'd planned, but in the end the things we experienced were part of Gods plan to set us up for an even better 2013 and future!!

2013 is the year of the inconceivable, a year when God does things we can't even fathom, full of many blessings and our minds being blown, limitations will be taken off, new experiences are awaiting us and any year spent with the Lord and following his leading is sure to be an amazing one! So long 2012. Welcome 2013!