The "D" Word

Since it has been such a long time since I have posted anything, I have decided to try and start writing more consistently....we shall see how this pans out as my last attempts have failed! I am not good with blogging. I really want to be, but I guess it just all comes down to discipline, which is something I am still learning to do in so many areas of my life.

I have a love/hate relationship with the word discipline, and in our culture it can be a taboo subject. Growing up I was disciplined a little too much over stupid things and sometimes too severely. It broke my spirit in a lot of ways, made me want to do the right things because I was motivated by fear, and put a bad taste in my mouth. Discipline and the word "obedience" were often used as a way of manipulation, a way of guilting me into doing the right thing. My parents often used the verse in Ephesians 6 which says "Children obey your parents for this is right," and that it was "part of the 10 commandments." The pure fear of not only disobeying my parents but letting God down caused some negative, obscured views of discipline and what it really means.

The word discipline is defined as "to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control,  to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct; chastise," and the one that struck me the most was "training to act in accordance with rules; drill: military discipline." That was certainly the way I viewed discipline. The constant rules and regulations made me want to be a rebel at times and go against the grain, thus resulting in a lot of bad decisions, consequences and ultimately a wounded and scarred little girl inside.

Discipline, if done correctly, and for the right reasons, can actually be a good thing. Now that I am older and have kids of my own, and have a clearer understanding of the word in it's context, I in some ways actually want to be "disciplined"...by the Holy Spirit that is! God is always speaking the word "discipline" to me..hence part of the reason why I cringe inside every time the word comes up. I know in the end it is for my own good, my own personal growth, but I must say the process of getting there, the time it takes, the things I must often lay down, or simply start doing not only go against my flesh, but usually go against most of the world's (and even some "Christian's") standards.

For a good year God had been telling me to start fasting. I would start to do it but then talk myself out of it every time, or simply just allow the temptation and the strong hold it had on me to control me. The Holy Spirit would ever so kindly nudge me and tell me to do it again and again, until one day I finally got up the nerve to, as Nike says, "just do it!" The first couple of days were rough, I'm not going to lie. My flesh threw a fit. I began craving the "normal American diet," in particular chocolate, like never before. I had migraines left and right, became very tired and irritable, had no energy and my flesh was fighting me right and left to just give in. You don't realize how much you actually allow your flesh to control you until it starts losing it's control, then it will make you feel like you are going to die if you don't give it what it wants. I finally made it through my first fast, not perfect, but changed from the inside out and had a new perspective on how much I really could do. Since then God has shown me other areas in my life that need to be "disciplined," that I need to be set free from, and "die to my flesh". I understand more and more what Paul said in 1 Corinthians 9 when he said  "I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.  Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."

Our bodies and minds were not created to control us, rather for us to have control and "discipline" over them. Too often I have allowed my flesh, my body, and my mouth to control me, and I am truly sorry for those I have hurt along the way. Praise God I am still a work in progress and when it's all said and done, my spirit man will not only lead me, but I will allow him to control me as I continue to discipline my flesh. So, if I say or do something that hurts any of you in any way, know that I am in the process of disciplining my flesh and it sometimes gets in way, acts up, and needs discipline!
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Imprints from the heart.....

Tonight I said "good-bye" to someone who means more to me than most people, all for the sake of following the Lord's leading to our new life and calling in CO. I have been putting off the inevitable for quite some time now, telling myself that If I was strong and tried to disconnect myself somehow, leaving wouldn't be that hard....and guess what? I'm not as strong as I appear to be. Change is never easy for anyone. If it was, then everyone would do it. But I know this is our time to spread our wings and fly. I finally understand and have received the "peace which surpasses all understanding" (Phil. 4:7)....however It still doesn't make the leaving part any easier.

This friend has been my "bff"  since the second grade where we met in Sunday school class. She has been more of a sister really. She has been brutally honest with me at times, put up with my bad attitudes, forgiven me when I've hurt her more than anyone, and has been a picture of Gods grace to me without even realizing it.

I will never forget the late nights we've had sharing inside jokes, taking naps after church on Sundays, you being my biggest cheerleader while I was in labor while eating Popsicle's together as I was shaking uncontrollably, holding each other until we both burst into tears, our times at kids camp together where we experienced God in a new way, walking across the street every Wednesday to the Farmers Market so you could get your sugar daddy before every service, me coming over to rummage through your closet and paint our nails together, going thrifting and finding great steals, making brownies/ice cream and watching chick flicks, you taking our family photos and me having to walk in the woods in heels and almost falling, and everything from our road trips together to me calling you and freaking out because I was pregnant and didn't know the first thing about having a baby.

           -"He who finds a friend finds a treasure."

You have always been a constant person in my life. The first one I've run to because I was scared to death or just ridiculously happy. You have seen me at my worst, through thick and thin (both literally and figuratively), the one who's told me I'm being a complete idiot and have loved me no matter what! You have left an imprint in my heart and on my life that will never be erased. I wouldn't trade any of the moments I've had with you, any of the petty arguments we've had and all the dumb things we've said to each other. You have helped me along the journey to be who I am today, a better and more rounded person. You have pushed me out of my comfort zone more than once, and have been a vital part in pushing me to grow, change, surrender, forgive and most important love. I have loved every moment and every memory we've made together.

Thank you God for my dear friend. Thank you that she has been exactly what I needed the last 21 years whether I knew it at the time or not. Thank you for her amazing voice and talent that has forever been etched in my mind, for her honesty to tell it to me like it is at times, her loving, generous and forgiving spirit, her God given ability to speak and write in a way that takes my breath away, for the way she continually lays herself down so that others can be lifted up, the way she supports people, and for showing me what a real friend is. I love you MareBear :)

"In my life, I've loved them all"-The Beatles